The two sides of being a patient have never been more clear than they are for me this week. It started with a full work week that included an event for a client and some other client work. I had a media interview, my daughter’s cheer competition, confirmation and my son’s hockey game. Oh, and it’s high school exam week in the Dickinson household. I could feel everything going downhill on Tuesday night.

By Thursday, I spent 15 minutes in stuck in one position, breathing through intense pain, trying to get my socks on…and then an hour later I was on camera and doing an interview with the Globe & Mail. I looked perfectly healthy. I sounded articulate. I was in excruciating pain. I put myself to bed immediately after and took a beat. Not what I was expecting when I booked the interview.

This is what living with a chronic disease is like. Uncertainty. Never knowing when something is going to bite you. Especially when you are relatively well managed. And then something knocks you right back down again and reminds you that your body is always going to throw you a curve ball.

So how does one manage? I can’t say for certain how other patients do this. I can just speak for myself. I can’t cancel life. So I try to manage the two sides of my life.

What is in my control? Prioritization. And that means that rest becomes part of my job. I removed anything that wasn’t critical or necessary from my calendar. I was honest with people about where I was at. It gets awkward when you tell the Globe & Mail reporter that you are passing a kidney stone. But it was the truth. And I’m much better now at giving myself the grace to go directly to bed after the media interview, because that is what I need in order to do the other important things in my life.

There is an expectation that we all show up for life perfectly put together and professional. From my perspective, it’s not mentally healthy to pretend like my chronic disease is not happening to me. I’m going to do my best to meet the expectations of perfection, but sometimes it means showing up to the office in a suit and running shoes, because I can’t wear the fancy shoes that day. I’m comfortable with these choices.

Where I am now? I can take a sick day. But I can’t cancel life. So I’ll show up honest, I’ll prioritize and rely on my community and my circle to help me get things done. I’ll rest to get myself back into not only showing my best side, but also being my healthiest.

Until the next time life throws me a curve ball. And then I’ll figure it out again. Probably in running shoes, and after having a rest.